And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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