You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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