i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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