there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
