fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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