remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
