Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
