Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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