I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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