And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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