my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
