Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
