It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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