3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
