i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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