I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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