Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
