The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
