3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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