These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize