Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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