just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
