I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
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