forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
