you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize