he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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