God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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