It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
