I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
