So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
