she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
