I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
