mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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