I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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