new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
