I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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