is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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