so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize