he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
