I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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