I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
