The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize