So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
