saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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