My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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