There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
