I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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