fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
