Kiss
Puke
Will you blow on my dice?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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