Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
