how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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