He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
