You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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