You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
