I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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