So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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