A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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