his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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