You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
