I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In other news, I just burned my penis
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
