3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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