I faked an abortion last night.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
