we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
