Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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