i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
